A Typical Scene from the 6th Season of Lost

FADE IN:

EXT. BEACH CAMP – DAY

Our beloved characters attempt to look busy by fixing tarps and zipping up backpacks.
HURLEY
So. Like. What are we supposed to do now?
ILANA
I have no idea. Do you like my new top?

HURLEY
Jack. Help us out. You always know what to do, right?
JACK
Don’t look at me. I stopped caring about this stuff
wayyy back in Season 4.
HURLEY
Okay…Sun. Ideas.
SUN
Have you seen my husband?
HURLEY
No, Sun. Don’t you think we would tell you
if we saw him?
Everyone covers their ears as Miles explodes in a ball of fire and flesh.

HURLEY
Dude.
SAWYER
Sonofabitch.
FRANK
Terrific.
BEN
I actually forgot he was still on the show.
JACK
It’s like I said. We either live together, or–
SUN
Have you seen my husband?
The castaways stop rearranging Dharma toiletries and gather around the campfire.
RICHARD
Hey wait, I know. We could always blow something up
with dynamite from the Black Rock like you guys
did in Seasons 1, 2, and 3?
HURLEY
Dude. You’ve been here for 150 years and
that’s all you got? I thought you were, like,
the Man. What with all those breast-pocket
shirts and stuff.
RICHARD
Well Jacob always uses these really vague metaphors.
HURLEY
Look guys. I’m just the voice of the audience.
Obviously, the writers think the audience is stupid, because
I never have a good idea unless a dead person gives it to me.
So. If nobody knows what to do, I guess we can just transition
to some arbitrary time and place off the island to watch me eat
chicken and make out with–
EVERYONE
NO.
HURLEY
Well then let’s do something.
We’ve only got like five episodes left.
There is an awkward silence.
SAWYER
We could commandeer the submarine?
HURLEY
Nope. Seasons 3 and 5.
JACK
Somebody could sleep with Kate. Wait, no.
She wandered off into the jungle again.
Jack begins to cry, then violently smashes something very important.

SAWYER
Maybe Walt will show up and tell us what to do. Wasn’t
he a big part of all this? We spent like two whole seasons on him.
CLAIRE
Yeah. And I thought my baby was relevant.
Another awkward pause.
HURLEY
Hey. Do you guys remember when we were
three-dimensional characters with motivations
determined by our pasts instead of plot devices
for obvious mythological revelations that were
better left a mystery?
Everyone stops to think about this for a second. Suddenly, the back of someone’s head fills the corner of the screen. We pan around to reveal the face of Isabel, the sheriff of the Others from Season 3.

JACK
Wait a second. She‘s relevant?
BEN
It’s the last season, Jack. Every
character has to make an appearance,
no matter how convoluted or unnecessary.
Isabel throws two knives. One hits Claire in the head, the other hits Frank in the chest.
ISABEL
There’s your Adam and Eve, b!*#$.
Isabel grabs their corpses and travels back in time via a brilliant white light.
HURLEY
Dude.
SAWYER
Sonofabitch.
BEN
Got any milk?
SUN
Have you seen my husband?
SMASH TO BLACK
LOST
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4 thoughts on “A Typical Scene from the 6th Season of Lost

  1. lol….fabulous. I honestly haven't watched since the first season. I tried to start again midway, but got too confused….this post just re-illustrated my confusion. Love it.I keep hearing good things and may even eventually try to sort through the whole thing. But for now, I don't know that I have the energy to devote. 😉

    Like

  2. Seriously. 80% of the characters on Lost are no longer important although they tell us every week how important they all are.I think at this point it all depends on the season finale. I say it goes the way of the CLUNKER.

    Like

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